Lines composed a few hours after watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 1: They Finally Have Sex: etc.

Okay. OK. So, it goes without saying that I think Twilight is patently uncool, and also super damaging for the developing lady-psyches of the prepubescent girls who eat this shit up like whatever twelve year olds are eating these days (Fun-Dip? Are the kids still eating Fun-Dip?)

But, as a person of the world, and more importantly as a person of inside jokes on the internet, I feel as though it’s my cultural responsibility to watch these movies. And Breaking Dawn is by far the worst of all the Twilights, which secretly makes it the very best for someone watching to revel in the schadenfreude. You guys, download the decent quality cam version that’s floating around, get a glass of wine (hahaha I mean a bottle, obviously) and watching this shit alone in your room. It’s a life choice I guarantee you won’t regret.

So, before Edward can put his sparkly P in Bella’s awkward V, they have to get married. Because this book was written by a mormon. MORMONS! And before the actual wedding, Bella has a freaky negaverse anime nightmare vision of the wedding, with corpse piles and CGI floating rose petals. This is what an actual vampire wedding should be like, to be honest. The real wedding is every little girls dream: the dress is amaze-balls gorgeous, it takes place in some Disney fantasy forest, her divorced parents are suddenly bffs, and that blonde sister-in-law-vampire girl who hates her suddenly wants to braid her hair. They know their audience, and they play it pitch perfect. Edwards wedding speech is super adorable (you win this round, Twilight, I started to feel actual feelings during this bit,) and there are a bunch of “we’ll be together forever, but not just b.s. forever, actual forever because we are vampires, and despite all the obvious signs and hints it somehow remains an inside joke” type lines. I can imagine plenty of audible swoony-sighs from girls in Team Edward shirts in the theatre audiences. Oh! And a last minute appearance by Jacob, who seriously tells Bella that Edward will fuck her to death on their honeymoon! Twilight!!

The honeymoon plays out a lot like a scene from Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. They dance in the streets, seriously! I think they’re actually in Rio? Whatever, the important thing is, Edward owns an island (vampire boyfriends come with serious perks) and Bella is super stoked to finally bone. Montage of leg shaving, hair brushing, lingerie options! She settles on “naked.” Bold choice for an otherwise asexual bundle of awkward stammering.

NOW FOR THE SEX PART! Four movies deep, and this shit is finally getting a little PG-13 (Mormons!)…but it is soooo unsatisfying! It starts off all well and good, he breaks the headboard in the first few thrusts (oh my god, the reality of what I am writing just settled in) and needless to say I was thrilled. But then it just cuts away like we’re in the 1950’s or something (Mormons!)

The morning after gets really domestic-abuse-y, as Bella wakes up surrounded by feathers from Edward fucking the pillows to death (I guess?) and covered in bruises. But it’s totally not his fault, because she made him do it, and he just can’t control himself! Oh, jk, I guess he can because he refuses to come anywhere near her after that, and Bella rubs up against him like a cat in heat while they exhaustively play chess. Then they have sex for the second time, and bam, she’s preggo. Mormons know fuck all about science, remember? So a vampire producing sperm totes makes sense. You know, vampire sciences.

Now, here is where this movie takes a turn from “deliciously cheesy” to “oh my god, I weep for the future.” Even though the demon fetus inside her is literally killing Bella to death, she refuses to get rid of it. Because, as the blonde vampire keeps reminding us, it is totally a baby, you guys! It has a right to life! Even though it is probably a vampire, and thus already dead! And if the mother has to die because of this pregnancy, so be it, because fucking pro-life etc! I cannot stress how disturbing this portion of the film is. Even Edward, the 349873984 year old stick in the mud is like, “Wtf? Get that thing out of there,” but Bella is determined to bring this blessed (vampire) child into the world. Mormons!! Also, Bella starts to look like something you’d find in the “thinspiration” tags of tumblr. The demon fetus is killing her, and also making her look like that anorexic girl we all knew in high school.

Uh, some stuff happens with Jacob and the wolf pack or whatever, but who cares? He’s really sweet about this ridiculous demon fetus situation, though. And Bella totally toys with his feelings. “Come cuddle meeee, I need your teen-wolf warmth because I weigh 60 pounds and am dying!”

She drinks blood out of a fountain pop container like it ain’t no thing. And then the demon fetus breaks her fucking spine (GRUESOMELY VISUALIZED, BRAVO SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM! You had something to do besides making sure Edward remained sparkly white!)

The birth scene is hilarious beyond words, by accident of course. Basically, Edward chews the baby out of her stomach, then Bella dies, and he frantically bites her all over trying to turn her into vampire at the last minute. I’m serious, he just gnaws on her for like five minutes, crying. Romance?

Jacob falls in love with the newborn baby. Mormons! Seriously, you guys, Mormons. I cannot stress the Mormon-y-ness of this ridiculous bullshit. He’ll be her “protector” until she’s old enough to marry him. Probably around ten or eleven, right? That’s how things work in those weird religious sects?

Anyway, Edward just keeps chomping away at Bella until he’s convinced she has enough “venom” in her, then they slap a dress on her, and all sit around waiting for her to show some signs of life. And she does! In the form of eyelash extensions and a deep conditioning treatment. We slowly watch Bella get super pretty, aka vampirey, and then her eyes open and they’re blood red. In my fantasy version of the next film, she goes on a motherfucking killing spree, but in all probability (I have not read the books, and prefer to enter the films as spoiler free as possible) she just becomes a nice little vampire housewife. Mormon vampires!

In conclusion, sex is dangerous and will probably hurt you and then get you pregnant right away. If your boyfriend leaves bruises all over your back and arms, it’s just because he loves you so much! And no matter what, the life of your unborn demon/baby comes first.

Twilight, y’all.

P.S., the soundtrack was sucky. That was the only actual redeeming feature of the past few movies, a pre-made emo hipster romance mixtape, but this time they phoned it in.